Self-improvement and personal growth can be a tricky game. Sometimes feeling like we're one step forward and two back, not quite moving as quickly or as elegantly as we may like. Luckily, self-compassion is a hidden superpower to access when we fall short of our ideals.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Self-compassion is far more pragmatic and measurable than you might think. Kristin Neff is a pioneer in self-compassion research, and she created a scale to measure self-compassion almost 20 years ago. Her research, along with that of her peers, has shown that people who practice self-compassion are less likely to be depressed, anxious, or stressed, and they have greater resilience and all-around better mental health.
Three Easy Self-Compassion Practices
1) Use self-touch to soothe
When we soothe our painful feelings with self-compassion, it changes not only our mental and emotional experience; we're also changing our body chemistry. It releases oxytocin, reduces cortisol, and calms cardiovascular stress. You can tap into your body's self-healing system through physical touch - your body reacts to the physical gesture of warmth and care, whether it's provided by others or by yourself.
When things feel too much, tense or overly self-critical, try physical self-soothing. Your hand on your heart is a straightforward and intuitive way to do this (and is my favourite), although you can also stroke your arm or face or give yourself a warm hug.
2) Practice self-validation
"Other people have it so much worse," "I should feel lucky" "I shouldn't complain". If you find yourself saying these words to yourself, perhaps consider if they are helping or hindering your stress. Gratitude and perspective is wonderful, however comparing yourself, shaming, and blaming yourself for feeling what you are feeling is a fast track to more stress.
Being invalidated by others feels rough; however, we often invalidate ourselves regularly and without awareness, which has a similar negative impact. It may seem like a radical act, but try to feel what you are feeling and respect it. You can see how to put this into practice with the 2-minute self-compassion break below. For more on self-validation, there is a brilliant piece written in Psychology Today here.
3) Choose a 2-minute self-compassion break
When in a situation in your life that is difficult and causing you stress, take a moment to honour that experience. It may seem counterintuitive, but sitting with those tough feelings for a moment rather than ignoring them can help them pass through quicker, and provide relief and clarity. There are three steps to this self-compassion break. The first step is to notice that you are having a tough time. The second is to acknowledge that you are (imperfectly and perfectly) human. The third is to comfort yourself. A walk-through of this exercise is below with some variations:
1. This is a moment of suffering
That's mindfulness. You could also say:
"This hurts."
"This is stress."
2. Suffering is a part of life
That's common humanity. You could also say:
"Other people feel this way."
"I'm not alone."
'We all struggle in our lives."
3. May I be kind to myself
You can also ask yourself, "What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?" Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
"May I give myself the compassion that I need."
"May I learn to accept myself as I am."
"May I forgive myself."
Self-compassion is not some feel-good but insubstantial notion that doesn't change anything, it's a powerful and pragmatic wellbeing practice that is worth mastering. I sincerely wish that these three ways to practice self-compassion help support your wellbeing journey this year.
Verity Mace is a Christchurch based coach who specialises in navigating major life
transitions such as repatriation. If you've recently returned to New Zealand and are finding it challenging to adjust or have a loved one, colleague, or employee who could use support, Verity is passionate about helping returning expats thrive rather than just survive through transition. If now is the time to talk with an expert like Verity, explore Ignite's individual support subscription options or ask your employer to consider employee subscriptions for your workplace.
Contact hello@ignite.org.nz to find out more.
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